Struggles, Insecurities, and Changing Dreams.

I am not going to lie it has been a HARD week or two. It is mostly my fault. I have let my struggles and insecurities kick my butt.

One of the first questions you get when you are married is "When are you going to have kids?" It can be a really hard question. Sometimes you are not ready, sometimes you simply can't. I will probably NEVER ask anyone that question. Why? Because I know the pain that can linger behind the answer. I know the fake smile that is plastered on and the pat answer given to those who simply can't understand the reality. It's not their fault.

Those questions stopped when Aiden was born. Yet it wasn't long before the questions came back to haunt me, simply in a different form. "Are you going to adopt again?" While that question seems innocent enough it is not any easier to answer than the first. It is so much more complicated than that.

So I have let infertility and all the insecurities and pain that go along with it kick my butt. Really. Really. Hard.

I have let myself feel broken.

I often wonder why it is that I can't have a baby, why my body doesn't function in the way God intended. That is where I go wrong. Yes women in a perfect state were created to bear life. It was a part of God's perfect design. It is a miracle. Yet sin entered the world and perfection no longer exists here.

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Ps. 139:14 ESV

I may feel broken as a woman by the standards of this world. Sin can do that, it can take perfection and twist it. Yet my soul knows deep down that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am part of God's plan. Even in infertility God has a plan.

I have always felt called to Motherhood. It has been my dream for what seems like forever. There were days, weeks, months, and even years when I thought the dream was impossible. Some people spend their whole life feeling that their dream is impossible.

Sometimes we just have to recognize that the dream changes.



My journey to Motherhood has been different than some. I think it was a gradual change measured in significant moments. Little steps got me to where I am today.

- That day in April when we received the phone call that turned life upside down.
- The months of anticipation, ups and downs, and endless paperwork.
- That singular moment when we laid eyes on him and he was placed in my arms.
- The day the paperwork was signed and we left the hospital with our son.
- The day we finalized his adoption and took that huge sigh knowing it was done.
- The day we received his birth certificate, with OUR names on it.

Most people don't have all those little moments. It doesn't always take so many steps to realize the dream. That is when you realize that the dream changed along the way. I realize that if we had gotten pregnant we would not have Aiden. This precious boy I look at every day wouldn't be here. I would give up all the other dreams to be living in my reality. I love this little boy and he was placed into our home in God's perfect way and in his perfect time.

I realize now more than ever that there are so many ways women become mothers.

Some do it the "normal" way. Others wait for years and years to adopt a precious little one. For me motherhood and adoption came when I least expected it. Others foster children in need. For some it is in realizing that family isn't always about blood, it's what you make it, and in opening your heart to those God brings into your path you find a whole new definition of family.

So when you feel like giving up on your dreams, don't. Realize that sometimes the dream changes a bit.

Sometimes the dream changes you.